Tuesday night the City Commission boarded a new train. Where the new train will take us is anybody's guess.
The train is called Solving The Chicken Problem. The Conductor is Assistant City Manager John Jones. He described what was said at last Friday's meeting between Commissioner Merli McCoy, himself, several City staff and Wildlife Rescue members, an Audubon representative, the SPCA Animal Shelter personnel, and your truly on behalf of the Rooster Rescue Team.
He somewhat inaccurately reported that everyone at the meeting agreed there are too many chickens in Key West and the "excess" must be rounded up and relocated to the mainland. (I have never said I was in agreement with this; in fact I said I would never participate in a mass roundup/deportation.)
Commissioner McCoy said this is an issue that "defines the term Mexican standoff"—her callers are divided 50-50 between chicken lovers and chicken haters. She said there are health and safety problems, "and the time has come to control them." She hinted at expenses which might lie ahead: she said Code Enforcement would not be able to catch them, they would need "specialized staff— possibly permits to put them where we want to pen them until they can be relocated— and we would have to cover it so the chickens can't get out."
Conductor Jones then invited the Commissioners on board the Chicken Deportation Train. Some went eagerly. Commissioner Jeremy Anthony said that he was a "farm boy from Georgia" and he jokingly offered to resign from Commissioner to be "Chicken Czar" to trap and deport loose poultry—for only $65,000 a year (the going rate for City consultants and lobbyists, it appears.)
Commissioner Oosterhoudt— a former owner of screaming peacocks— said he was "no rooster booster." He named the parts of his district that have been "invaded" by chickens—the Post Office, Women's Club, Monroe County Glass, "a huge flock at the Bottling Court" and Palm Ave. He said he supports "whatever it takes."
Mayor Jimmy Weekley wanted the "excess" chickens banned to Stock Island, to the Jail or the Animal Shelter—something the residents of our sister island may well remember the next time annexation is suggested. He said he hoped the SPCA facilities would spare the City the expense of cages.
Commissioner Percy Curry— my district Commissioner, who has never ever granted my requests for an audience or a call to talk about the chickens— Curry would entertain no other solution than a Stock Island one. He wanted the chickens gone from his district. I think I just might vote for Loudmouth George Maurer, next time.
God Bless Commissioner Carmen Turner. She challenged the mindless assumption that chickens are "damaging to the natural environment." She said "chickens ARE a part of the natural environment of Key West— part of the history and the culture of the island." Sure they haven't been here since the dinosaurs but neither have the iguanas, or the coco palms, right?
Turner defended the chickens against the newcomers who move into an area, then complain about the presence of roosters that have lived here for 175 years. "We need to cling to as many parts of our culture as we can," she said.
Conductor Jones then blew his departure whistle. He promised he and McCoy would meet with the Sheriff about putting the chickens at the Jail site, and with Animal Control about stashing them at the Animal Shelter. He said he would report back to the Commission with more detail, and with cost breakdowns.
So where could the Chicken Problem Train take us?
Let's start with the GOOD places it could go, if everyone put forth their best goal-oriented effort:
The local Audubon people, concerned about loss of natural habitat, help to find and permit a suitable spoil area for a Key West Rooster Park. Say the Hawk Missile Site or the Landfill (a site currently not under consideration because of the difficulties of getting it permitted.) Surely a recommendation from environmentalists would help with that.
Since the Audubon people have also raised concerns about avian disease, they would help vaccinate the local chicken flock against avian disease, and find ways to prevent migrant birds from the Caribbean and South America from introducing exotic parasites, and new strains of viruses and bacteria.
Since they have also raised questions about diseases transmissible to humans, they would probably want to spearhead an educational outreach about the risks of catching Salmonella from eating undercooked meat and eggs. They would also caution HIV and immuno-suppressed patients against hanging out at pet shops, zoos, circuses, the homes of people with dander-shedding pets, animal shelters . . . and the Key West Rooster Park.
Audubon might also push Mosquito Control for the establishment of a Sentinel Chicken Flock in Key West, to watch for potential outbreaks of dengue, yellow fever, St. Louis encephalitis, etc. After all, it is the mosquitoes, not chickens, which spread these diseases!
Most importantly of all, people like Audubon's Mark Whiteside—a medical doctor-might participate in the development of an oral contraceptive "bait" that can be used to feed those feral predators which are so lethal to the wild bird population. (At the top of the list, surely, are cats and raccoons— not "meat-eating" chickens!) Whoever could get such a thing to a trial stage in the Florida Keys would surely be hailed as a hero of the environment, a savior of the species!
While these positive goals are being achieved by wild-bird lovers, the fruit-tree people and tropical shrubbery freaks would be planning the most important part of the Rooster Park: habitat. Mangoes, tamarinds, Spanish limes, mameyes, trees for which people no longer find room in their backyards— these would be lovingly and expertly planted in the designated area, together with vines and shrubs. Like an Indigenous Park for non-indigenous trees— a Garden Club, but on a much bigger scale—plants donated by residents, water provided by the City, and compost furnished by the grateful chickens would come together in an oasis-like setting.
The Chicken Boys— those Key West kids of all colors between the ages of eight and sixteen who currently zoom around town on bikes with their stolen chickens under their arms— would be invited by the Monroe County Extension Service's 4-H club to help in chicken husbandry. Teachers would come to introduce these kids the secrets of biology. Prizes for kids at the end of the year, for best animal management skills and handsomest chickens.
The Chicken Store's volunteer Rooster Rescue Team would round up chickens on demand, at no charge to the City—as it has already during more than a year—and would train other volunteers to hunt down hen nests, and handle neighborhood chicken problems as they arise. The all-woman Rooster Rescue Team would only enter yards where they were invited.
Making the relocation park additionally into a Key West Pet Cemetery would provide a little income to the City—and provide a solace to people who lose beloved pets, and are forced to dispose of their remains at the Animal Shelter, since it is currently illegal to bury your pet anywhere in Monroe County.
Or . . . the Chicken Problem Train could take us to a different place:
Audubon could simply refuse to endorse any prospective rooster relocation sites, and could raise a big stink if any site but the Jail or the Animal Shelter is chosen as a staging area.
The City could hire experts to study the problem, consultants to outline solutions to the problem, certified personnel to catch the chickens and drivers to take them up to the mainland for disposal. The City could depend on the kindness of strangers who offer to take the roosters to "petting farms," or it could of course buy a mainland property, at taxpayer expense. (Not likely.) This could drag on for years.
The City could save money on the chicken-catchers by using prisoners or community-service workers to run down and catch the chickens all over town. (The Chicken Store Rooster Rescue Team would limit itself to treating victims.)
Or, the City could offer a bounty to city or county workers and the Chicken Boys—pay only for chickens delivered, as they did in Laie, Hawaii. The City could outlaw chickens (and then only outlaws would have chickens!)
The Chicken Boys could study biology by tending the chickens at the county Jail or by watching Audubon films on TV there, after they are brought in for burglaries and vandalism committed while chasing chickens for bounty. Small cages (16 animals can fit in four square feet, according to the Tyson people) and large amounts of bleach will make it cheap and sanitary.
PETA and the Humane Society of the US could get involved, as outraged local residents send them film clips of chickens being captured and trucked out.
The City would eventually be chicken-free and sterile— "kind of like Cleveland with palm trees," as one resident put it.
This is the Chicken Problem Train and it's leaving the station. All aboard!