City Commissioner Jeremy Anthony broke new (but fertile) ground at the Wednesday City Commission meeting by suggesting there may be such a thing as too much fun in Key West, and City government can fix this problem.
The Commission was about to withdraw the latest draft of a noise ordinance, but an eager Anthony begged a chance to reveal his plan for controlling noise: "limit the number of entertainment licenses issued in Key West, and make a decibel level cap a condition of the Entertainment License." He also suggested that the license fee be raised, to pay for the hiring of a full time Noise Inspector, who would do nothing but bar-hop with his decibel meter and write tickets.
Commissioner Carmen Turner seemed to find the idea novel and thrilling. "I'm enjoying this robust approach," she confessed.
"Sustainability" is quite the buzzword nowadays. This appears to be another "sustainability" scheme, where the quality-of-life item we are trying to preserve is "entertainment." If we don't spend all the yuks in this year, or on the members of this one generation, there may still be a few chuckles left for our kids and our grandkids. The govern-ment's duty is to help us "sustain" the joy, by limiting the number of establishments licensed to bring it to us, and making it more costly for them to do so.
God forbid there be too many bars, taverns, strip joints, teen clubs, comedy clubs, movie houses or dinner theaters in Key West. I'm sure the existing ones will eagerly support an ordinance that will limit or even forbid new competition from entering the scene. Entertainment licenses will become family heirlooms, handed down from father to son (or sold to the highest bidder, such as Viacom or Disney, at monster profit.)
In similar fashion, I glimpse that we could resolve our "affordable housing" problems by limiting the number of real estate licenses in this town, and putting a cap on the price of the real estate they can sell. Say, $100,000 a house.
How about fifty licensed agents (the same as the mobile vendor cap proposed in 1987)? And we can raise their license fees to pay for a full-time Affordability Detective. Then we can mandate they each sell at least 50 houses a year, or lose their license.
Thank you, tough, benevolent Commissioners! Sustainable South Florida by government fiat!
The Noise Ordinance will be considered again by the Commission at the July 18 meeting. A radical new "entertainment management" approach may also be proposed at that time. Until then . . . Key Westers are still free to amuse ourselves "like it was 1999"— but they should remember they are squandering their kids' share of the fun.